The traditional family structure, where the man is the sole provider, is evolving. Nearly 40% of households include women earning the same or more than their spouses. This shift brings about financial advantages and emotional complexities, particularly feelings of shame and guilt, as these powerful women navigate their roles contrary to traditional norms.
Understanding the Shift
Statistics from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reveal a clear trend: in 1968, men were the sole breadwinners in 35% of households, but by 2018, this figure dropped to 18%.
Meanwhile, households with dual incomes have become the norm, and in many of these, women outearn their male partners. This shift in financial dynamics can lead to significant emotional and psychological stress, with women often grappling with guilt over not fulfilling the traditional 'homemaker' role, alongside their professional responsibilities.
The Emotional Toll of Being a Female Breadwinner
Despite their financial contributions, many female breadwinners struggle with internalized social expectations. They often don't see themselves as the primary provider, feeling that their role as a financial leader undermines their femininity and motherly duties. This dichotomy can lead to what's known as "mommy guilt," where women feel they're failing as mothers due to their work commitments.
Perhaps this is one explanation of why women who earn more are likely to do an even greater share of the household labor.
The pressure is not just internal. Society still harbors strong views about gender roles, expecting men to be the main earners. When this norm is flipped, it can strain relationships, with men feeling emasculated and women feeling overly burdened not just financially but also with household chores and childcare—responsibilities that traditionally weren't theirs alone.
The Complicated Emotions of Men Married to a Female Breadwinner
Ed Coambs, CFP®, LMFT, CFT-I™ is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Financial Therapist-Level I™, and Certified Financial Planner®. Ed is the owner of Healthy Love and Money a Fee-Only financial planning firm specializing in Therapy-Informed Financial Planning™.
Soon after getting married, Ed’s wife started her own dental practice while he completed two graduate degrees. As his career grew he became instrumental in developing the field of financial therapy and has recently finished serving as President of the Financial Therapy Association and wrote the book The Healthy Love and Money Way: How The Four Attachment Styles Impact Your Financial Well-Being.
Ed shared with me that his wife has never made a big deal out of being the breadwinner. Despite this, when she makes more money, it really causes him to think about what it means to be a man and challenges our traditional view of men’s and women’s roles in marriage.
Regardless of the encouragement and support Ed has received, he has always felt a bit weird about having a wife who makes more than him.
"I want to be a financial provider, even when our financial reality doesn't require this. It comes from deeply internalized rules about what it means to be a man."
Ed added, "Unpacking and expanding my view of what it means to be a man is an ongoing process. The first step starts with remembering the rules of being a male are not written in stone, but set by our respective cultures."
Practical Steps for Couples to Work Together
Open Communication
It's crucial for couples to discuss their feelings and expectations openly. Acknowledging feelings of shame or inadequacy can help address them and prevent resentment from building up.
Equitable Division of Labor
Redefining household responsibilities so that both partners contribute equally, according to their capacities and time constraints, can alleviate stress and promote a sense of fairness and teamwork.
Financial Planning Together
Engaging in financial planning or counseling can help couples align their financial goals with their personal values, making financial decisions that suit their unique situation rather than following traditional expectations.
Related Podcast Episode
Support Networks
Joining support groups or networks of other female breadwinners can provide emotional support and practical advice, helping women navigate their complex roles without feeling isolated.
Educate and Empower
Understanding that the concept of a breadwinner is fluid and evolving can empower both partners. Education about gender roles and their impact on personal identity can be transformative.
Related: Equal Partners - Teamwork at Home
The Role of Financial Planners
Financial planners and therapists can play a pivotal role in supporting female breadwinners. They can help by:
Encouraging discussions that explore the emotional aspects of money and earning.
Helping to redefine the narrative around money and gender roles in the household.
Offering strategies to manage financial stress and guilt, fostering a healthier relationship with money.
Click here to find a financial therapist in your area.
Wrapping it Up
The rise of female breadwinners challenges traditional norms and can create tensions in the household. However, it also presents an opportunity to redefine success and happiness in family life. By embracing open communication, equitable sharing of responsibilities, and professional guidance, couples can navigate these challenges successfully, ensuring that their relationship thrives in tandem with their financial achievements.
This journey isn't just about managing finances; it's about rewriting the social scripts that have long dictated gender roles. As society evolves, so too does the concept of what it means to be a provider, a partner, and a parent. In this modern landscape, embracing change can lead to a richer, more fulfilling life together.
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