Humans are not spreadsheets. Money is emotional, and our emotions are shaped by our past and society. To manage finances well in a marriage we must be deeply curious about our partner's relationship with money. Sometimes we need more than a blog post to prime our openness and empathy for our partner.
I just finished reading Feel Good Finance by Aja Evans that I found can do just that. The book is a pivotal resource for couples seeking to enhance their joint financial management skills.
Aja Evans is a board-certified therapist, speaker, and writer specializing in financial therapy who has been in the mental health industry for over a decade. In addition to her practice, Aja is the president-elect on the Financial Therapy Association board and the author of Feel Good Finance.
The focus of Feel Good Finance is understanding the psychological and emotional dimensions of money makes it particularly useful for partners who wish to delve deeper into why they manage money the way they do.
For couples, this introspective approach can foster greater empathy and understanding, helping them navigate financial discussions with less conflict and more cooperation. By uncovering and addressing underlying beliefs about money, couples can work together to create a unified financial strategy that respects both partners' backgrounds and views.
Aja provides practical, relatable advice that can help couples start making immediate changes to their financial behaviors. The actionable steps outlined in the book are designed to be accessible for beginners, which means that even couples with limited financial knowledge can find value and make progress.
Whether it’s setting joint goals, budgeting for shared responsibilities, or planning for future financial stability, Feel Good Finance equips couples with the tools they need to build a solid financial foundation together. This hands-on guidance can be particularly transformative for couples looking to align their financial actions with their long-term life goals, making the journey towards financial well-being a shared and supportive endeavor.
I recently asked Feel Good Finance author Aja Evans what she believes is most valuable about her book:
"I think the most valuable part is just the understanding that not only are you not alone in trying to figure out your feelings about money, but there is a way to do so. It can be so hard to dive into yourself about your money feelings, but I hope the book helps people do so in a supportive way so they feel less lonely."
As for me, what follows are excerpts from the book that spoke most to me.
Shame
“Shame is a liar. Shame doesn’t say that there was a mistake that was made, shame says you are a mistake. You feel bad about yourself versus focusing on an action you have control over." Aja attributed this quote to Tiffany Aliche.
“If comparison is the thief of joy, then social media is the getaway car.”
Toxic Narratives Heard By Girls
The damage of narratives to girls from mothers and grandmothers like “Don’t worry about it honey, your husband will take care of it,” “Go to college and meet an engineering student.”
Toxic Narratives Heard by Men
“The same way women have had to deal with money narratives being placed on them, so do men… People are attempting to cope with the weight of responsibility, whether they have a deeper understanding of money and personal finance or not.
We also know that society has often made it difficult for anyone to admit when they don’t know something. This is further complicated when we layer in the impact of vulnerability.
Because our society doesn’t celebrate it, we tend to not make space for people to be honest when they need help. Toxic masculinity, the belief that manliness and masculinity are associated with certain attitudes or guidelines, and patriarchy, serve no one. It is a lose-lose situation for all.”
Toxic Cultural Norms
“It doesn’t matter who takes on the majority of the financial management of the family as long as everyone knows what is going on. This level of communication extends to income brought into the family as well.
More and more, women are becoming higher earners, and this is having a dramatic effect on marriages and dating (cis-hetero ones specifically). The cultural norms of men being the higher earners in relationships are now outdated.
Toxic masculinity will tell you women shouldn’t earn more. According to this sexist viewpoint, it is some sort of infraction on men for women to be more successful or make more money; our success makes them feel obsolete. Those who grow up believing this narrative have been failed by society.
Men believing they are rendered useless if a woman is independent or financially independent says more about the harmful nature of attaching masculinity to net worth than it does about the inherent value men bring. While I detest patriarchy, I do believe men have a ton of value outside of bringing home the bacon. I have no time for patriarchy; it hurts all of us.”
Debt Reduction for Couples
“While less popular, the emotional method can be motivating for some people. This method focuses on paying off one debt that annoys you the most. Financial experts often advise against approaching your money with emotions first, but as you can tell, I am flipping that notion on its head.
People have feelings, and when we ignore them, they come back to bite us in the ass. This method may have you paying a bit more in the long run or not optimizing the numbers to the max, but it isn't about that. It is about getting rid of that one debt you hate for whatever reason.”
Why We Can’t Spend Our Way to Permanent Happiness
The hedonic treadmill, formerly known as hedonic adaptation, ‘is an adaptation-level phenomenon, which… describes how humans become insensitive to new stimuli, and quickly readjust to an emotional baseline… the stimulus needed to create an emotion– like happiness or excitement – [then] needs to be more intense than the last stimulus in order for someone to feel its effects. This is important to think about when we talk about comparison because it can help explain the need for us to keep amping up our purchases and lifestyles or moving and adjusting the goal post of our success.
Keeping up will always require you to chase something or someone in an effort to be “enough.” But you are already more than enough, and you deserve to live a financially healthy life now. You always have.”
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