If you're a busy dual-career couple and feel you unfairly shoulder most of the challenges of managing life at home, this is for you.
Here's what we know to be true:
Women, on average, do more at home.
As women earn more in their careers, they do more at home.
Women are more likely to shoulder a heavier mental load at home.
Although there has been incremental progress in representation in management and C-suite roles, women remain underrepresented.
Men have the power to support the career ambitions of working spouses by shouldering more in the home.
My challenge for couples
Take an incremental step forward in the home, working toward equal leisure time for partners. Start with one task that meets the following criteria:
A significant mental load is required
The task must be addressed regularly
Your partner doesn't enjoy the task
The task is not easy for your partner
How to Approach the Conversation
I love data, and I know a lot of guys like me do as well. It's easier to tell a story with data; it's easier to share the truth.
There is no explanation that would have been sufficient for me to understand the time and mind space necessary to run our home before I stepped up in our marriage, but the data should as hell would have helped.
I'm a big fan of the Persist App's free care load assessment because it provides the data you need to make the conversation go smoothly.
I strongly encourage you and your partner to take it together.
Express gratitude
In a past Modern Husbands Podcast episode, Dr. Joshua Coleman confirmed my personal feelings that men do chores out of love for their wives. Before you say, "chores are a fact of life," let me explain.
Men often think of chores as dishes, cleaning, and laundry. We don't always consider tasks such as handling special events (invitations, planning, buying gifts) and deep cleaning. Why? Many of us wouldn't do these things if we were single.
What primarily drives me to take such an active role in our home is knowing how happy it makes my wife. It's like the wind in my sails each time she shows gratitude.
Some women stump against such gratitude. I understand that men shouldn't feel like they need a symbolic trophy for doing so much at home, but that doesn't make it wrong to encourage us. After all, I can list many things men say and do for their wives that they shouldn't have to do, but we do them because we want to make them happy.
Money and masculinity must be divorced
Women feel an inherent pressure to run the home, which often consumes their thinking (mental load). For some women, this manifests into “mom guilt,” because they want to do everything their stay-at-home did for them. I see this with my own wife.
“Dad guilt” or “husband guilt” is also very real, and it weighs heavily on some men who are not the breadwinner because many of us are conditioned to believe that our role as husbands is limited to being the financial breadwinner, and when we’re not, we’re failing.
In a notable study, couples were asked to measure distress in terms of feeling sad, nervous, restless, hopeless, worthless, or note that everything was an effort. Obviously, shouldering 100% of the financial responsibilities is stressful, but what is most important to point out is that the lowest point of distress for men is when the wife contributes 40% of the household income.
I can understand how some would see this as misogynistic, but that’s not always the case.
Women, if you're the breadwinner, be empathetic when approaching your husbands. There are very real and deep feelings that surround money and masculinity. Please share what providing means to you beyond a paycheck.
Fellas, not all women value your earning capacity as much as you think. As a matter of fact, numerous studies show that what women in dual-career relationships want most from their husbands is emotional support.
Just as important to point out is that women are 5x more likely to say they seek instrumental support from their husbands (e.g., cooking dinner). So, for men, the message is clear: We are much more than financial providers, and what that looks like in our marriage requires a deep and meaningful conversation with our spouses.
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