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Modern Husbands started with a Google search. “How to be a great husband.”
I’m just a regular guy married to an exceptional woman. I’m in three fantasy football leagues, an Ohio State Football fanatic, and have fond memories of my childhood in a small rural Ohio town.
I was looking for straightforward, practical advice on how to be a great husband. In my quest to learn how to be a great husband, I have made friendships with people who have dedicated their lives to the essential aspects of being a great spouse, most of whom specialize in managing money and the home as a team.
All of them have lived experiences they can draw from to share their wisdom of what it takes to be a great partner.
Before diving into their treasure trove of wisdom, let’s rewind to just over two years ago. Life was simply too much. We both had big jobs, and the non-financial needs of our family became the primary concern.
It was time for me to be the gardener in the relationship and for her to be the rose. For most of our marriage, I had been the breadwinner, working an unhealthy number of hours outside the home. My wife was the gardener, nourishing our home so I could bloom in my career.
We moved from Cincinnati to Atlanta for her career, and with everything else going on, it was my turn to be the gardener in our relationship so she could blossom in her career.
I was very active in supporting the caregiving needs of our children and had managed the money in our relationship. Personal finance is my professional expertise.
Laundry. Cleaning. Dishes. That’s a different story.
So I Googled "How to be a great husband.”
The division of labor – huh? The mental load? What the heck is that?
What I began to learn introduced me to a new and better world for myself, my wife, and my kids. What follows is my journey with advice from many of our Modern Husbands Advisory Board Members, and others, on how to be a great husband.
My journey started with the book Equal Partners by Dr. Kate Mangino. I couldn't put it down. Her book focuses on what we, everyday people living busy lives, can do to rewrite gender norms to support a balanced home life so both partners have equal time for work, family, and self.
To be fully transparent, I never imagined reading anything with the words "gender norms" or "masculinity." Ten years ago, I would've rolled my eyes at it. I'm seeking straightforward and practical approaches to being a great husband. First, I will support my wife's career and my family's needs within the home, and then, with time, I will focus on my outside work.
But I learned from Dr. Mangino that most of us slip into traditional gender norms that are counterproductive for a home seeking a fair division of labor or a husband who wants to be the gardener in the relationship so his partner can be the rose in their career.
I'm proud to call Dr. Mangino a friend and, frankly, everyone who contributed to this post. Dr. Mangino is a humble, thoughtful, and caring woman who is a fierce warrior for gender equality. She's real. She's genuine.
Dr. Mangino is also a member of the Modern Husbands Advisory Board, among many other contributors to the post.
What follows are the answers from those I hold dear to my journey, who are experts we can all trust to help us better understand how to be great husbands.
How to be a great husband, according to Dr. Kate Mangino
"When I hear that question, I immediately want to take gender out of it. The real question is: what is your advice for being a great partner? Listen to them - I mean, really LISTEN to them, so you know who they are, and then love them for who they are - not who you want them to be. Be honest with them and communicate openly.
Make decisions together, stick to those decisions, and do your part. Celebrate their successes so the good times are even better. Be there for them when they need you, to make the bad times tolerable. And contribute to your partnership equitably so that neither of you feels overburdened and bitter towards the other.
The one thing I might add for husbands with female partners in particular is this: be aware of gender inequity in the world. Don't be one more cog in the misogyny machine. Understand that women's life experiences are often very different from men's. Don't belittle or second-guess her experiences because they don't match yours. Listen to her, empathize with her, and believe her. And do your part to make sure your relationship and your home are safe spaces for both of you.
And I say all this with grace and understanding that relationships are hard. I have been married for 18 years, and it has not all been rosy. A long-term relationship takes work, and we all make mistakes and are all jerks sometimes. But maybe that's one more thing I'd add—when you are a jerk, apologize. Admit your mistake. I have learned that a genuine 'I'm really sorry' goes a long way.”
How to be a great husband, according to Eve Rodsky
The second book I read was Fair Play, written by Eve Rodsky. I love the Fair Play System because it defines roles and responsibilities that lead to two adults working together rather than one person owning it all and assigning tasks to a spouse like an intern.
Eve is real. I’ve met with her numerous times. She’s tough as nails. No nonsense and determined, but sweet – a tough combination to pull off.
What follows is Eve’s advice.
“Being a great husband means only one thing to me: trading assumptions for explicitly defined expectations. What this means is having a partner who commits to boundaries, systems and communication. Your time is equal to mine, we need to decide together how we handle this organization, and we communicate as a regular life long practice.”
How to be a great husband, according to Dan Kadlec
My first interaction with Dan Kadlec was twenty years ago when he wrote about my work as a financial educator for TIME. I loved his writing and enjoyed his interview on Oprah. We met in person when he moderated a panel discussion I was on at a conference hosted by Penn’s Wharton School.
Dan is the OG of Modern Husbands. Dan’s wife is the Chief Marketing Officer for Visa—Europe, a role she assumed when she went to the Olympics in Paris.
“Stop talking and listen. That doesn’t mean pause so she can get a word in while your mind wanders. It means hearing her words and giving them weight. That usually leads to understanding and a welcome compromise. I won’t get into equally sharing mundane chores like cooking and cleaning. That’s a given."
How to be a great husband, according to Paul Sullivan
When I told Ron Lieber what I was up to at Modern Husbands, he immediately connected me with Paul Sullivan, a former colleague of his at The New York Times. Thank goodness he did!
Paul Sullivan is doing great work at The Company of Dads. His company’s mission is to help Lead Dads feel less isolated and more confident that they have made the correct choice to take on the bulk of the parenting and family duties - or, at the very least, not embrace stereotypes around who does what at home. Paul’s advice is as follows:
“Be present and proactive. In other words, be aware of what’s going on, take over tasks that you can do, don’t wait to be asked or, worse, told to do something, and think of your married life like you would your job or hobby.
Would you just sit around at work and wait to be told what to do? Would you not reach out to your friends to set up a time to (fill in the blank, e.g., golf, fishing, hiking, beer drinking)? Apply those skills to your marriage.”
How to be a great husband, according to Dr. Bruce Ross LMFT, CFT-I™
While teaching, I stumbled upon the Financial Therapy Association and reached out to board member Dr. Bruce Ross, asking him to be a virtual guest speaker to share with my students the very basics about money and relationships. Fast-forward to the formation of Modern Husbands, and he quickly joined our board. With Christian Sherrill, we became the cohosts of the Modern Husbands Podcast.
“I almost always go back to remembering you are human, so give yourself grace. I assume that as a great husband, you seek to be a good, loving, well-intentioned partner, but you will still make mistakes, probably many, as a husband.
Giving grace is not an excuse for bad behavior, but it IS an opportunity for growth and to be a better husband. There’s no exact blueprint to YOUR relationship, and we must remember this is the first time you’re going through THIS relationship moment. Mistakes will be made, but what is important is how we learn and move forward.
Giving yourself grace requires self-reflection, open, honest communication, commitment to your partner, and effort to be better. It’s how we self-correct and become even greater husbands.
And all at the same time, remember to give that same grace to your partner as well.”
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How to be a great husband, according to Edward Coambs, CFP®, LMFT, CFT-I™
Dr. Ross introduced me to Ed Coambs, who at the time was the president of the Financial Therapy Association. Ed is the Founder of Ed Coambs Founder of Healthy Love & Money.
“Your desire to be a great husband is a gift that will give for generations to come. It is a type of wealth that can not be bought but only developed. Yes, you can use money to learn, heal, and grow as a person and husband, but just like the gym, you still have to do the work to get the results you want.
I promise you will feel disappointed in yourself, your spouse, your family, and whoever else you can get mad at as you go on this journey, and in the end, you will realize that learning how to navigate this disappointment and hurt skillfully is where you will become a great husband.”
How to be a great husband, according to Zo Amani
I met Zo and his wife Aliyha while serving as a Visiting Scholar at the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau Office of Financial Education and while he worked in the Office of Consumer Policy in the U.S. Treasury Department. Both of them are highly successful in their demanding careers.
“My best advice is to have open and honest conversations about the role (i.e., position) each person plays in the family, as it relates to your relationship, financial, and familial goals; and it is perfectly fine to recalibrate those roles as internal and external factors (both controllable and uncontrollable) evolve.”
How to be a great husband, according to David and John Auten-Schneider
David and John are the married co-hosts of the acclaimed Queer Money Podcast and have a weekly show on Yahoo Finance. Their story is an inspiration to me. I admire them. They are some of the strongest people I know.
“As husbands in a same-sex relationship I think we’re at a slight advantage in that we don’t automatically assume gender roles for various aspects of our marriage, which we think can and should be applied to all marriages or relationships. Because of this, I think we typically look at each other as true teammates.
A team doesn’t get to and then win or lose a championship because of one play or one player (unless you’re Aaron Rogers), it’s because all throughout the season they have looked at each other as a complete unit. For this reason, we both play offense, and both play defense.
We look for ways to be each other’s champion and ways to talk about our personal strengths and weaknesses and then we see which, when put into practice, will help us as a team do better, rather than me doing better than him. When you truly love someone deeply you want them to succeed just as much as you want to succeed yourself and sometimes succeeding means you have to take a step back and ask, is what I am doing best for just me or best for us?
As a team we huddle, we talk, we plan and we put in the work. Sometimes that work is hard but it pays off and sometimes that work is fun and exciting, both are worth it.
Finally, do three things every day, tell your spouse you love them, give them a kiss and hug and find some way to hold hands, even if it’s under the table while out to dinner or walking to or from the car while getting groceries. The physical connection can break down the emotional differences, especially during times of stress.”
How to be a great husband, according to Michelle Kruger, Ph.D., CFP®
I met Dr. Kruger a couple of years ago after being impressed with her extensive work in financial planning and relationships. Her ongoing thoughtful advice is based on evidence of success.
“I’m lucky to have a great husband, and I believe he has several qualities that make him an excellent partner. Above all, he is sincere, respectful, and supportive in all our interactions, even during conflicts.
I can always count on him to be honest; he has never been dishonest with me. On this foundation of honesty, we’ve built trust and improved our communication skills. I’m a strong believer in the idea that communication skills can be improved through intentional practice.
Over time, we have become more proactive, respectful, and empathetic communicators. His words and actions clearly show how much he cares about me. He is one of the most considerate people I have ever met.
His thoughtfulness is clear in the small things he takes care of around the house without being asked and in his big sacrifices supporting my career. I’ve been able to grow my career by having a supportive partner who is willing to take on more responsibilities at home. This allows me to take on more responsibilities at the office or pursue teaching and writing projects outside my primary role.
He has also made short-term career sacrifices and agreed to long-distance moves when I have opportunities that we feel would benefit our household in the long run. He forgives easily when I make a mistake or if there is a miscommunication; he never holds a grudge because he knows I’m doing my best, and I always act with sincere intentions, too.”
How to be a great husband, according to Brian Anderson and Christopher Lewis, Ed.D
Brian and Chris co-founded Fathering Together. Dr. Mangino introduced me to their work and each other. I love what they are doing, including Christopher Lewis’s Dads with Daughters Podcast and Brian’s book Fathering Together.
"Be kind, and don't end the day angry. Whatever is hanging over you or your partner, make sure to settle it." - Brian Anderson
"Being a great husband involves a mix of communication, respect, and mutual support. Some of the things that I recommend to others are that as a husband, you need to listen actively, show appreciation, be supportive, offer quality time, openly communicate, be active participants in all home responsibilities, and be patient and forgiving throughout your marriage. Finally, you need to be willing to learn from each other and evolve together over time!" - Christopher Lewis
How to be a great husband, according to Dr. Jenny Olson
For years, researchers have shown correlations between merging bank accounts and happiness in marriage. However, Dr. Olson and her coauthors were the first to prove that engaged and first time married couples were happier, or at least unhappiness in marriage was buffered, by merging accounts.
"I'm drawing upon the personal disclosure and relationship satisfaction literature in my response!
What comes to mind immediately is a willingness to be vulnerable, which requires introspection. Being vulnerable means looking inward and being open and honest with yourself and your partner. Ultimately, vulnerability builds trust and facilitates goal-directed behavior.
Traditional gender roles generally dictate that "men must hide emotions," which we know is not healthy in the long run. Being able to share your deepest thoughts, feelings, and desires with your partner lays a strong foundation from which to build. It helps align you and our partner to tackle the big tasks more effectively."
How to be a great husband, according to Dr. Scott Rick
I do not believe in one approach to anything in a relationship, including how to manage money together. I was eager to meet Dr. Rick, the author of Tightwads and Spendthrifts: Navigating the Money Minefield in Real Relationships.
“Remain curious about your partner's inner psychological life. Set aside some time for deeper conversations and novel experiences. There's only so much you can learn about your partner when going through the day-to-day routine.”
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How to be a great husband, according to Matthew Fray
I was thrilled to meet Matt, a fellow fantasy football player and small town Ohioan whose post She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink went viral (millions of hits). Of course, as he later explained that it was metaphorical, I knew I had been introduced to my kind of guy.
“In disagreements with your wife, choose strengthening the relationship over "being right." It will save your marriage and family.
The most important concept in marriage is Trust. The amount of trust between the two of you is the No. 1 corollary to whether your marriage will be healthy and lasting, or whether it will slowly erode and end painfully and unceremoniously.
Sometimes, your wife will say something to you, and you won't agree. You won't think what she says is true, or you'll believe it to be so unfair or irrational, that your inclination will be to correct her or argue with her about it. This can happen multiple times a day about something that seems so inconsequential to you, that you won't be careful about what you do and say next. These are the moments where you get to decide whether love and respect and strong relationships matter most to you, or whether trying to convince someone else that your ideas and experiences are superior to theirs, and that they're wrong for not being more like you.
You will have intellectual disagreements. You'll think differently than she does. The danger of these conversations is the implication (even if it's unintentional on your part) that she's wrong, or stupid, or crazy, for not believing the identical thing that you do. And listen, you may be "right." You may understand something better than she does on a case by case basis. I submit that "Who's more correct?" is not a useful metric in measuring the quality of your marriage.
You will have different emotional reactions to things. You'll simply feel differently than she does. The danger of these conversations is the implication (again, even unintentionally) that she's weak, hypersensitive, overreacting, immature for not feeling the identical thing that you do.
Sometimes, she will suggest that something you did was bad for her. That you did her dirty somehow. And being the smart, nice, well-intentioned husband that you are, you're inclination will be to defend and explain how what you just did should NOT be interpreted the way she's interpreting it. The danger of these conversations is that anytime you didn't do anything "bad" or "wrong," you will imply that you are not responsible for the pain she's experiencing and that she shouldn't be blaming you for it because it's not your fault. Essentially, you hijack the moment and make it, not about her, but you.
In the early months and years of a relationship, this sort of thing won't threaten your marriage. These moments aren't bombs and gunshots. They're pinpricks. They're paper cuts.
But what will happen after 10, 15, 20 years is the following:
She'll learn--painfully--that whenever something bad happens to her and she needs to tell you about it (else, how will you even know?!), she's going to experience you in a very specific, abandoning, trust-destroying way.
Any time something hurts me and I tell him about it, he only behaves with love and care IF he agrees with the things I think and feel. If his brain doesn't think the same thing as mine, he chooses what he thinks over me. He suggests that I'm wrong or stupid or crazy. If his body doesn't feel the same thing as mine, he chooses what he feels over me. He suggests that I'm weak or hypersensitive or overreacting, or immature for feeling the things that I do. And any time I try to tell him that something he's doing is hurting me, he gets upset with me for suggesting that he's a bad husband or doing something wrong.
In other words, my husband only treats me with love when he approves of and agrees with my thoughts and feelings. If he doesn't approve, he abandons me to hurt alone. I just don't know how much longer I can go on like that.
How to be a great husband, according to Mikel Van Cleve, MBA, CFP®, FBS®, CEBS
At the Financial Therapy Association Conference, I met Mikel Van Cleve, MBA, CFP®, FBS®, CEBS. I attended a session he co-ran on managing money in a blended family. It was brilliant, and after getting to know him, I knew his insight would be invaluable to our advisory board.
"To be a great husband, simply put, you have to love your spouse at all times. While that may seem like an un-insightful answer, if we stop to think about what that means, it’s almost impossible to do.
It means to put their needs ahead of your own at times. It means loving them unconditionally and not conditionally, even when upset. It means to lift them up and never tear them down.
When one or both of you walk in the door from work, no matter how tired you are, you stop and take time to ask them about their day and actually listen. But since none of us are perfect or fully capable of loving unconditionally, how can we be a great husband? We can do this by continuously striving every day and genuinely putting in the effort to be the best husbands we can be.
Below are some things I try to do:
Tell my wife I love her multiple times a day
Support and encourage her in her efforts
Listen when she wants to talk
Be quick to forgive when I’m upset
Say I’m sorry if I mess up
Never go to bed mad
Recognize when she’s going through a tough time or stressed
Go on dates at least once/week
Do the little things I did when we were dating
How to be a great husband, according to what I’ve learned
The most important lesson I’ve learned about how to be a great husband is to continue to learn. Learn from your spouse, learn from communities such as ours, and always strive to be better.
For more details on my thought’s and my wife’s, read my past post 21 Marriage Tips After 21 Years of Marriage.
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