How to talk to your spouse about money without arguing
A money date is a scheduled conversation between you and your spouse in a comfortable environment that allows you to discuss your shared goals, values, and relationship with money.
Money dates keep couples on the same financial page -- allowing both partners to control money in the relationship.
Some refer to money dates as household business meetings.
Regardless of how you define it, you should speak regularly with your spouse about household finances.
When to Talk About Money
The best time to talk about money is when your emotions are low, so your cognition can be high. Some enjoy discussing it on a walk, others in the living room when the kids aren't home.
What matters most is that it's at a scheduled, relaxed, and uninterrupted time, not in a moment when you are upset with your spouse about something money-related.
Why Talking About Money Can Be Hard
What you and your spouse need to understand one another's relationship with money could depend on several factors. For my wife and me, what mattered most was our values. Discussing what we value most before making significant financial decisions has served us well.
However, most financial therapists would agree that it might not be so simple for others. For those who have experienced traumatic experiences around money, their relationship with money could be more complicated.
The emotions you may experience during a money date can vary depending on individual circumstances, attitudes, and behaviors toward money. Some common feelings include:
Anxiety: Talking about money can be stressful for some people, especially if they feel like they are not in control of their finances or are dealing with debt or financial insecurity.
Frustration: If someone is unhappy with their current financial situation, they may feel frustrated during a money date, especially if they cannot progress towards their financial goals.
Excitement: On the other hand, if someone has recently achieved a financial goal or is progressing towards it, they may feel excited and motivated during a money date.
Guilt: If someone has made financial mistakes in the past or is currently in debt, they may feel guilty or ashamed during a money date.
Relief: Some people may feel relief during a money date, especially if they have been avoiding their finances or feeling overwhelmed.
Husband Guilt
Research has found that husbands find being the main breadwinners stressful. The same study also found that their stress increases if their wives earn more than 40% of the household income.
In other words, talking about how much you each earn can be stressful. Approach the Money Date thoughtfully and prepare to work through any emotions aroused about income disparities.
Pro Tip: More income should not mean more control over money.
Related: Husband Guilt
How to Manage the Emotions of the Conversation
Prepare yourself to manage emotions such as these. If you feel overwhelmed, walk away, and you can pick the conversation back up later. Give yourself grace for past mistakes; we all make them.
Respond favorably to similar emotions from your partner. Be an active listener by reinforcing what you have heard and asking questions to better understand their perspective.
Refrain from judging their attitudes or feelings. Instead, be empathetic and consider how their money experiences shape their financial choices.
Working through the emotions evoked by talking about money will empower and productively help couples take control of their finances and work towards their financial goals.
Partners may divide the money management tasks based on their skill sets and interests. For example, one partner might manage investing and bill paying while the other manages insurance.
In some cases, one partner is responsible for managing all of the money based on the financial goals established together on a money date.
Money Date: What to Talk About First
If you've never spoken with your spouse about money, at least constructively, start with a lottery date. Purchase a lottery ticket and use it to ignite a conversation about your dreams.
How would you spend your money if you won? How would you live your life differently?
By finding the joys in spending, you can uncover ideas for spending your money in happier ways together and set shared financial goals that will bring you both joy.
Without a spending goal you set together, managing money will feel like a chore with no purpose.
Your Financial Health
Studies have shown that when an individual's basic needs are met, the additional income earned related to happiness is weak. So, prioritize what is needed to be financially healthy.
The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau created a free interactive tool to assess financial well-being (financial health). The tool can help you understand how much happier you and your spouse would be if your household income increased.
Below, you can see how the CFPB gauges financial well-being.
Be honest
Be honest. Financial infidelity is when couples who have combined their finances deceive each other about money.
Surveys repeatedly find that this is the case for 2 in 5 couples. There are several painful outcomes to this, including that it led to divorce for 16% of folks.
Regarding talking about what you are each earning, 1 in 10 reported lying to their spouse/partner about how much money they earn.
Listen to NEFE President and CEO Dr. Billy Hensley share more about their financial infidelity research on the Modern Husbands Podcast. You'll also find a link to the NEFE financial values survey in the podcast's Show Notes.
Money Date: Questions to Ask
You can only talk about money with your partner once you learn to talk with your partner about money.
For some, countless emotions can accompany money conversations: fear, anxiety, and avoidance, to name a few. You can only go over the mechanics of money management once you've addressed the complicated control money has over some of our feelings.
It would be best to have more forward-looking conversations about money than about managing current problems or frustrations, which would reduce the shame and blame associated with discussing past financial mistakes.
Ask these five questions on a money date. Your partner's response can reveal a more profound money belief that can help you establish shared values and goals.
What do you enjoy spending money on the most?
Start your conversation with this question. Talking about trimming expenses and budgeting is the opposite of fun for most, so save that for later.
Enjoying your life now should be a priority, and associating money with the joy in your life can be the best way to set the tone for your conversations about money.
If we won the $5 million lottery, what would be three things you would want to do with the money?
Does your partner dream about nicer stuff (e.g., home, car), experiences (e.g., vacations, concerts), working less and spending more time with family and friends, or philanthropy? These are all values, and managing money together becomes easier for couples with common values or at least have identified shared values to focus on together.
Asking each other what you would do with an unexpected $5,000 windfall can also be helpful. For one, it is more likely to make the conversation more practical. Such a prompt can serve as a nice segway into a conversation about tackling upcoming challenges or opportunities.
Do you believe that money can buy happiness or reduce stress to a certain degree? If so, what is the amount of money we would need to earn each year?
Will you and your partner prioritize time at work to earn more money to bring each other financial security and happiness? At what point will your partner feel financially secure and choose to spend more time with your family and friends?
Most of us earn more over our lives and face advancement opportunities that can take time away from our families. More money is often enticing, and advancing can create a sense of accomplishment, but at what price?
Rather than waiting until you have an advancement opportunity, discuss the bigger purpose of money and your career with your spouse first to avoid making an impulsive decision that might satisfy your career goals but at the expense of your relationship.
Do you enjoy managing money, such as saving, investing, or paying bills? If so, what? If not, is there something you particularly hate?
Each partner should have an equal hand in controlling how money is used, which is not the same as managing money. Managing money is the systematic approach to executing the financial strategy you and your spouse decide upon.
To divide the household responsibilities fairly, begin with what you and your spouse enjoy doing and have a natural skillset to do well. Asking what money management tasks you each enjoy can make it easier to identify who should do what.
When you do move forward with a conversation about money with your spouse, consider using our Money Date cards. The instructions and cards are illustrated below.
Budgeting Series Overview
Part 1: What is a Money Date? Part 2: Evaluate your household income Part 3: How to save and invest together Part 4: Choosing where to live with your spouse Part 5: Budgeting for health expenses Part 6: Buying a car with your spouse Part 7: Budgeting for food as a family
When you plan a budget with your spouse, you are not budgeting with Excel or other tools such as our Budget Template for Couples. You are using these tools. You are budgeting with someone you love and share your life with.
Our free Budget Template for Couples is designed specifically for couples. Each category includes linked graphic-centric short videos to help couples in the budgeting process, providing essential prompts to consider budgeting each categorically appropriately.
This 10-part series is dedicated to helping you work with a spouse to budget together and provide the information you need to make educated decisions with your dollars.
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