I was saddened to read of the death of Jeff Baena. He follows a long list of men who, died of suicide; Robin Williams and Anthony Bourdain are a couple of others who come to mind.
I am reminded of these heartbreaking facts in the latest newsletter shared by Richard V. Reeves:
😢 The risk of suicide is 4x higher for boys and young men than for girls and women.
😢 Suicides have risen by 40% among younger men since 2010.
I know the pain. I lost a very close friend just before getting married. His parents stood in his place at my wedding.
The Origin of Some Mental Health Challenges
The convergence of gender norms of the past are converging with the workplace norms of today and the future, and men are suffering.
In a 2017 survey of income and marriage views, Pew found that American men tend to adhere to traditional gender views - particularly when it comes to women.
7 out of 10 men and women agreed that a good husband must be capable of providing financially for his family. However, only 1 in 4 men said it's important for women to be capable of supporting a family financially, and only 2 in 5 women see it the same way.
The world is getting harder for some men who judge their worth as fathers and husbands solely on their financial contributions to their families. Particularly scary is that women earn around the same if not significantly more in 45% of households.
Husband Guilt
It's commonly understood that women who are rock stars in their careers often suffer from "Mom Guilt." They aren't able to do everything their mothers did for them, and women unfairly feel guilty.
Men who are not the breadwinners suffer from "Husband Guilt." Research has found that men are most comfortable when they are contributing 60% of the household income. If they contribute less, they begin to experience anxiety, among other negative emotions.
Men and women must redefine what a great husband and father or a great mother and wife look like. Providing comes in many forms that go far beyond a paycheck: caregiving, domestic labor, and emotional support.
Just as men should ask women how to support their career ambitions, women should reinforce to their husbands how important support beyond a paycheck is to them. Women must be clear, and positive reinforcement for equal partners at home is especially important for men who are not the financial breadwinners.
Many men struggle to share their feelings. When they do, listen and take them very seriously. If you're dismissive, they're unlikely to ever share with you again.
Spotting the Potential for Suicide
According to the National Institute of Mental Health:
ASK: "Are you thinking about suicide?" It's not an easy question, but it can help start a conversation. Studies show that asking people if they are suicidal does not increase suicidal behavior or thoughts.
BE THERE: Listening without judgment is key to learning the person's thoughts and feelings. Research suggests acknowledging and talking about suicide may reduce suicidal thoughts.
HELP KEEP THEM SAFE: Reducing access to highly lethal items or places can help prevent suicide. Asking the person if they have a plan and making lethal means less available or less deadly can help the person stay safe when suicidal thoughts arise.
HELP THEM CONNECT: Connecting the person with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988) and other community resources can give them a safety net when needed. You can also help them reach out to a trusted family member, friend, spiritual advisor, or mental health professional.
FOLLOW-UP: Staying in touch with the person after they have experienced a crisis or been discharged from care can make a difference. Studies show that supportive, ongoing contact can play an important role in suicide prevention.
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