I took the screenshot below of the heartbreaking story shared in Reddit because there are four solutions for them to consider that can help save their marriage.
“We have already split our finances as he was dragging me down with him.”
There are various ways couples elect to split their finances. The primary three are combining finances, using a hybrid approach often referred to as Yours, Mine, and Ours, and keeping your finances separate.
There is sound research supporting each method. However, on average, research has found that combining finances causes happiness in marriage.
What has always puzzled me are finding financial solutions for couples who promise to share their lives but not their money. In the end, couples cannot compartmentalize financial disputes from their relationship, they are interconnected.
Here are three past posts to help you dive into the three primary strategies for managing money as a couple:
“I want to have the ‘finances talk’ with my spouse and get him on a budget and on a plan. He is ashamed. He clams up because he is afraid.”
An abundance of research has uncovered the strong emotions aroused by money; shame and guilt are two at the top of the list. The origin of such strong emotions often comes from financial trauma experienced in childhood. But there are numerous other explanations as well.
The field of financial therapy is laser focused on addressing the intersection of emotions and money, including how they interplay in relationships.
Click here to seek professional assistance by scheduling an appointment with a financial therapist.
Related: What is a Money Date? How to talk to your spouse about money without arguing
“[Our problem] could wipe out more than every penny I have, including my retirement.”
Unless directed otherwise by an expert, you should never borrow from or use retirement savings when facing a debt crisis.
The courts protect your 401(k) or IRA retirement accounts from bankruptcy. Unless there are unusual or extreme circumstances, your retirement funds are not part of your bankruptcy estate.
“So even though, "it is not my money it is his money", really, it is my money because he is going to be begging me for help in a couple of months.”
Exactly. In most cases, if you’re going to choose to marry someone you are also married to their money and financial choices.
This person should clearly seek the guidance of a financial therapist to save their marriage.
“How do I convince my spouse to let me help him with his finances to create a plan when he feels that we will one day divorce because of his finances... he isn't wrong.”
What this spouse fails to recognize is that she is a part of the problem and she is a threat to him. It's a "we" problem not entirely a "he" problem.
They need an unbiased and professionally trained third party, such as a financial therapist, to step in and help them save their marriage.
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