Arguments and resentment originating from household chores can be very serious. Just take a look at the example from a frustrated spouse's post on Reddit looking for solutions.
What you just read is not an uncommon frustration. For many dual-career couples, the division of household chores can be a source of ongoing tension and discord.
According to a Pew Research Center study, 56% of married adults in dual-career households say sharing household chores is a major ingredient in a successful marriage, yet discrepancies in who does what often lead to stress and arguments. These disputes are not just about cleanliness; they reflect deeper issues of fairness, respect, and partnership.
If you find yourself regularly frustrated that your spouse isn't contributing as much as you'd like around the house, you're not alone—and there are constructive ways to address this challenge.
Communicate
The first step in solving any marital issue, including the division of household labor, is effective communication. It’s essential to approach the conversation with a mindset geared towards finding solutions rather than assigning blame.
There is strong evidence that couples who schedule time to talk regularly to discuss managing the home together have stronger marriages. Set aside a time to talk when you are both relaxed and not in the middle of a chore-related conflict. During this discussion, be clear about what tasks need to be done and why their completion is important to you.
Do not attack your spouse. Focus on being proactive and productive. Start by expressing your feelings using "I" statements, such as "I feel overwhelmed when I handle most of the household chores," rather than accusatory "you" statements like "You never help me around the house."
This approach can help keep your spouse from becoming defensive and more open to discussion.
Sometimes, one partner may not fully understand the physical and emotional toll of managing a household, especially when both are working full-time. Expressing this can help your partner see the housework as a shared responsibility rather than a personal favor.
Establish a System
Creating a system for household chores can transform an erratic and frustrating process into a smooth and predictable routine. Consider all the chores that need to be done weekly and divide them based on preference and skill, but also on fairness.
Utilizing tools like chore apps such as Coexist can help keep track of who does what and when. This not only organizes the tasks but also provides a visual representation of the workload balance, making it easier to spot and rectify any imbalances.
Scheduling specific times for chores can also help, as it turns them into routine parts of your week, much like a meeting on your work calendar. This method ensures that both partners can prepare mentally and physically for the task, reducing the likelihood of chores being overlooked or neglected.
The Fair Play System
The Fair Play system reduces unnecessary back and forth over chores, streamlining responsibilities to be owned by one spouse or the other. We use the system in our marriage, and dividing the “ownership” of tasks makes it far easier to avoid misunderstandings and reduces frustrations.
Click here to learn more about the Fair Play system.
Related: Free Household Chore List
Avoid Maternal Gatekeeping
Maternal gatekeeping refers to a behavior where one parent (typically the mother) controls or limits the involvement of the other parent (typically the father) in household and childcare responsibilities. This can happen consciously or subconsciously.
For example, you might redo a task your husband has already completed because it wasn't done "the right way." This behavior can discourage your partner from participating and perpetuate the cycle of imbalance.
To combat this, acknowledge when it happens and actively work to avoid it. Encourage your husband's involvement and express appreciation for his efforts, even if the results aren't perfect.
It's important to focus on the benefit of shared responsibilities, not on the execution perfection. Accepting different ways of doing things can lead to a more cooperative atmosphere at home.
In the episode of the Modern Husbands Podcast, Dr. Joshua Coleman shares in more detail some of the challenges surrounding maternal gatekeeping and how to work through them.
Ignore Gender Norms
Traditional gender roles can often influence how chores are divided in a marriage, with women typically taking on more of the housework and caregiving duties. Challenging these norms can be pivotal in creating a more equitable distribution of household chores.
Discuss how these traditional roles might be influencing your behavior and expectations without you even realizing it. Explore ways you can redefine roles based on your individual strengths and schedules rather than societal expectations.
Encourage a culture in your home where tasks are not gendered. Both partners should feel equally competent and responsible for all aspects of managing the home, from cooking and cleaning to repairs and financial management. This shared responsibility helps foster a sense of teamwork and equality.
Learn More
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