You arrive home to Amazon boxes on the front porch. It feels like you see Amazon boxes waiting for you every day.
It doesn't make you feel any better when you open your mailbox to a stack of bills.
Have you ever found yourself fuming and saying,
"My wife spends too much money on Amazon!"
You're not alone. Money is one of the most common sources of conflict in marriage, and it's easy to see why.
This post will help you avoid the Amazon outbursts. We'll explain the innocent explanations for Amazon boxes on the front porch, explore working through the friction spending can cause in marriages, and discuss ways couples can get on and stay on the same page financially.
How to Avoid Amazon Outbursts
We all must adjust to the new normal of shopping online, and part of that new normal are Amazon boxes on the front porch.
Online sales make up nearly 20% of all retail sales in the U.S., up from a measly 1% at the turn of the century. For further context, Amazon has over 200 million Prime members globally as of 2023. Shopping online is the new normal.
The conveniences of shopping from home have reduced foot traffic in physical stores and changed the way we view routine purchases. The new way to shop for what we need to run a home is online, which feels in our faces when we open our front doors.
Women’s Role in Household Purchases
Women often take on the responsibility of purchasing the goods required for the household to operate smoothly. This includes everything from pharmaceutical products and groceries to children’s products and household supplies.
A study by the Marketing Science Institute found that women make 70-80% of all consumer purchasing decisions, which underscores their significant role in managing day-to-day household needs.
I fall within the 20-30% category of men leading the home management purchasing decisions, so I can assure you fellas, I’m not excluding us.
Managing day-to-day household needs is a chore that includes the mental load of managing what the home needs and when to buy it. With such responsibilities comes the innocent Amazon purchases that we should frankly appreciate.
Understanding this role is crucial when discussing spending habits and financial management within a marriage. It's important to recognize that what might seem like excessive spending could actually be necessary expenditures for the family’s well-being.
Marriage and Money: The Friction
Money is a significant source of stress in many marriages. According to a study by the American Psychological Association (APA), nearly a third (31%) of married couples report that money is a major source of conflict. The same study found that financial stress can significantly impact overall relationship satisfaction and stability.
Communication is crucial in any relationship, especially when it comes to finances. However, many couples avoid discussing money, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts.
A survey conducted by the National Endowment for Financial Education (NEFE) revealed that 37% of married couples do not talk about money regularly. This lack of communication can exacerbate financial problems, as partners may have different spending habits, financial goals, and levels of financial literacy.
The only communication choice about money in a marriage that could be worse than not talking about it is talking about it at all the wrong times.
“Avoid talking about money when emotion is high and cognition is low.”
Generally speaking, avoid talking about money when you’re already in a heightened emotional state. Here are a handful of times you want to avoid discussing money.
Don’t talk about money immediately after a purchase
Addressing financial concerns right after a spending incident can lead to defensiveness and conflict. An example would be when you’re reading a credit card statement and recognizing, what you would describe as, wasteful spending.
Don’t bring up money during a fight
Throwing money into an unrelated argument with your spouse is just asking for trouble. Avoid it at all costs, and don’t let your spouse bring that into the ring, either. If it’s brought up, duck and weave your way out of that topic.
Avoid talking about money at bedtime
Nobody wants to think right before bed. We’re tired in every way. Discussing money matters right before bed can lead to restless nights and unresolved issues. Choose a time when both partners are alert and calm.
Related: Jon Macaskill is a retired Navy SEAL Commander turned leadership and mindfulness coach. During his 24-year Navy career, he served in multiple highly dynamic leadership positions from the battlefield to the operations center and the board room. We hosted Mr. Macaskill on the Modern Husbands Podcast.
Click here to listen to a YouTube Short related to going to bed angry.
Don’t argue about money with others around
Money matters in your marriage should be kept private. Bringing your financial fights into a social setting is going to upset everyone, particularly your spouse.
Marriage and Money: 3 Steps to Get on the Same Page
1. Open and honest communication
The foundation of any strong financial partnership is open and honest communication. Couples should schedule regular time to discuss their finances, including income, expenses, debts, and savings goals. These discussions, often called Money Dates, should be free of judgment and blame, focusing instead on finding solutions and setting shared goals.
When meeting regularly to discuss money, consider working through the following common money topics in your marriage.
Open and honest communication: set joint financial goals
Setting financial goals is essential for providing direction and motivation. Whether saving for a down payment on a house, paying off debt, or planning for retirement, having clear goals helps couples stay focused and work together toward a common purpose.
Open and honest communication: establish an emergency fund
An emergency fund is a critical component of financial stability. Life is unpredictable, and having a financial cushion can help couples weather unexpected expenses without using credit cards or loans. Experts recommend setting aside three to six months of living expenses in an easily accessible account.
Open and honest communication: address different spending habits
It’s not uncommon for couples to have different spending habits. One partner might be a saver, while the other is a spender. Understanding and respecting these differences is crucial. Couples should work together to find a balance between saving and spending.
You can find evidence-based strategies for doing so in our post, How to Split Your Finances: Psychological Money Laundering.
Open and honest communication: use technology to stay organized
Technology can be a valuable ally in managing finances. Numerous apps and tools are available to help couples track their spending, set budgets, and monitor their progress toward financial goals. Here are two tools we use and recommend to others:
Technology: Coexist
Our family is a proud user of Coexist and love it for three reasons, as it relates to money and marriage:
🧠 We use it for one-off tasks that must be delegated and remembered.
💰 We rely on it to tackle our annual financial checklist, which I wrote for coexist
🔒 It’s safe and secure
Click here to learn more about Coexist and receive the Modern Husbands discount.
Technology: Tiller
We lean heavily on Tiller as the automated spending and saving tool that records our financial transactions. We use our custom Tiller spreadsheets on our Money Dates.
Click here to learn more about how you can try Tiller for free.
Open and honest communication: prioritize debt repayment
Debt can be a significant source of stress in a marriage. Prioritizing debt repayment is essential for achieving financial freedom. We provide a straightforward explanation of the two most popular debt reduction strategies in our previous post, How to Pay Down Debts with Your Spouse.
For those facing significant student loan debt, we highly recommend Student Loan Planner.
Click here to learn more about how Student Loan Planner can help you.
2. Establish well defined roles and responsibilities
In many households, one partner takes on most of the financial responsibilities, which can work exceptionally well if you stick to some of the following principles:
Communicate regularly and never lie about money
Neither partner should ever use money as a tool for control
Consider the additional tasks needed to manage your home and distribute them intentionally and fairly
Regular and honest check-ins can help ensure that both partners are aware of their financial situation and can make informed decisions together.
3. Celebrate Financial Milestones
Finally, it’s important to celebrate financial milestones together. Whether it’s paying off a credit card, reaching a savings goal, or sticking to a budget for several months, celebrating these achievements reinforces positive financial behaviors and strengthens the partnership.
Recognizing and rewarding progress can make the journey toward financial stability more enjoyable and rewarding.
Seek professional advice (If needed)
Sometimes, seeking professional advice can be beneficial. Financial therapists can provide objective guidance and help couples work through financial arguments they are otherwise unable to get past.
Click here to find a Financial Therapist.
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