Parenting is one of the most rewarding yet challenging experiences in life, and it's often a journey filled with lessons in partnership and personal growth.
In a recent episode of our podcast, I had the pleasure of speaking with Dr. Kubra Aytac, an expert in parental dynamics and co-parenting, about high-quality parenting and the concept of maternal gatekeeping.
Dr. Aytac is a member of the Children and Parents Lab at The Ohio State University. She holds three M.S. degrees in the fields of psychology and sociology and majored in Sociology and Philosophy with a minor in Political Science and Public Administration.
Her master’s thesis about maternal gatekeeping received the “METU Best Thesis of the Year Award”. Her primary research interests are adult attachment, coparenting, couple relationships, and well-being.
The conversation was rich with insights and practical advice, so let me share the highlights.
Defining High Quality Parenting
Dr. Aytac introduced the three dimensions of high-quality parenting: engagement, accessibility, and responsibility.
Engagement is about actively participating in your child’s life—whether it’s playing games, helping with homework, or discussing feelings.
Accessibility refers to being present and available when your child needs you, even if you’re not actively involved at every moment.
Responsibility, the most intangible yet crucial aspect, involves being concerned about your child’s overall well-being and addressing potential issues proactively.
While these dimensions sound straightforward, the reality is more complex, especially when one parent unintentionally limits the other's involvement. This brings us to the heart of our discussion—maternal gatekeeping.
What is Maternal Gatekeeping?
Maternal gatekeeping is when one parent (most often the mother) either encourages or discourages the other parent’s participation in caregiving. It can range from subtle actions, like redoing a task the father completed, to more overt behaviors, such as blocking involvement entirely.
Dr. Aytac emphasized that maternal gatekeeping often stems from deep-seated beliefs about traditional gender roles or a lack of trust in the other parent’s competence.
Here are a handful of additional examples of maternal gatekeeping:
Giving directions
Refusing to let others help
Being the final decision maker
Being critical
Monopolizing time
Being rigid
Resenting your partner
Not sharing information
But the good news is, with self-awareness and intentional effort, couples can overcome these barriers.
Three Ways to Address Maternal Gatekeeping
Here are three actionable ideas to help parents avoid or work through maternal gatekeeping:
1. Recognize and Reflect on Your Behavior
Awareness is the first step. As Dr. Aytac explained, many parents aren’t even conscious of their gatekeeping tendencies. Start by reflecting on your interactions. Do you tend to intervene when your partner is handling tasks with the kids? Are you quick to criticize or redo their work?
Try stepping back during these moments and observe how it feels to let your partner take the lead. Honest self-reflection and open conversations with your partner can help you identify and address gatekeeping behaviors.
2. Set Shared Standards for Parenting
One common source of conflict is differing expectations around what constitutes “good parenting.” Dr. Aytac noted that mismatched standards can lead to frustration and control. For example, one parent might be stricter about screen time or diet than the other.
To address this, sit down together and agree on clear guidelines for key parenting decisions, from bedtime routines to dietary preferences. These shared standards create a sense of teamwork and reduce the likelihood of one parent feeling the need to take over.
3. Encourage and Empower Each Other
Gatekeeping isn’t always about closing doors—it can also involve opening them. Dr. Aytac shared that a simple smile or nod of encouragement can make a big difference.
Celebrate your partner’s contributions, even if their approach differs from yours. Small gestures of support build confidence and strengthen the co-parenting bond.
Remember, the goal isn’t perfection; it’s creating a loving, balanced environment where both parents feel valued.
Sharing the Keys
As Dr. Aytac wisely concluded, “Parenting is not about achieving perfection but about creating a loving, balanced environment where every family member can contribute and grow.” When we unlock parenting together—sharing the keys and opening doors for one another—we not only strengthen our partnership but also provide the best possible foundation for our children.
Listen to the Episode
Show Notes
00:00 Introduction
01:21 How do you define high quality parenting?
02:30 Three rapid fire responses to the following questions:
What is one example activity of high quality parenting?
What is a second example activity of high quality parenting?
What is a third example activity of high quality parenting?
10:38 What is maternal gatekeeping?
13:02 Can you explain how maternal gatekeeping can get in the way of a father's involvement?
17:22 Are parents who are gatekeeping aware of what they are doing?
18:12 What is the origin of maternal gatekeeping?
28:26 How can couples work through the problems that arise as a result of maternal gatekeeping?
32:06 Why do mothers want to exclude a parent from responsibilities?
35:30 What is one simple piece of actionable advice you want to leave our listeners with?
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