Imagine this: You work 50+ hours a week, strive for teamwork and fairness in managing the home, and are a devoted father. Your wife slaps the Washington Post article "Are men finally pulling their weight around the house?" on the kitchen table just after the kids have been put to bed. My reaction?
“So you’re saying I suck. Got it.”
You’re not starting a conversation that way; you’re picking a fight.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure loads of dudes are glued to the couch for hours after work while their wives manage the home. These are not my closest friends, nor do they in any way fit the description of a Modern Husband. I know fellas who are this way by choice, and when I hear women like Paige Connell and Abby Eckel and men like Zach Watson bluntly addressing such inequities, I proudly cheer those three on.
These are not the circumstances that come to mind when Modern Husbands work hard to be great partners. Many of us are out there, and I’m here for them. That's who this post is for, not the logs on the couch.
Why Not To Start The Conversation with the Washington Post Article
I’m not slamming the media or being critical of domestic labor articles. I’m thrilled to see reporting on such an important issue.
The author of the Washington Post article Are men finally pulling their weight around the house? did a very good job illustrating the realities of American homes using the available data, but there are a number of problems.
The Difficulty of Quantifying the Mental Load
Managing and organizing household and family tasks continuously requires tremendous mental and emotional effort, commonly called the mental load.
The mental load goes unrecognized and invisible. A household that disproportionately relies on one person can suffer burnout and stress. A recent study led by USC researchers, in collaboration with the Fair Play Institute, shows that these cognitive tasks often fall disproportionately to women–specifically, mothers.
Although the Washington Post's data captured line items of tasks, quantifying the mental load is far more complex.
A Failure to Factor Caregiving
The Post article admittedly does not address this, because it is so complex. However, the emotional toll it can take on a caregiver with young children all day or children with exceptional needs can be substantial, and far more stressful than career pressures.
Moreover, a plurality of research finds that women are far more likely to spend more time caregiving and give up their careers, which can be significant in a marriage. Again, the spirit of teamwork should drive decisions in an egalitarian relationship and couples should make financially informed decisions.
Our Family Financial Planning Calculator helps dual-income families and couples evaluate their financial trajectory over the next 15 years. It considers factors such as household income, potential career breaks, childcare costs, healthcare expenses, basic living expenses, taxes, and retirement savings.
The Potential for Biased Survey Results
I’m a skeptic by nature. I value and rely on academic research and surveys to inform my opinions, but I do so with caution, particularly when societal pressures can influence survey responses. For example, some men are conditioned to believe that they must be the breadwinner, which has led to men over-reporting their income.
Likewise, some women are conditioned to believe that the home is their responsibility or recognize that society thinks that’s the case. Just as some men over-report their earnings, could some women over-report the time they spend managing the home?
A December poll by YouGov found that 60 percent of women who live with a partner say they do all or most of the chores. But 73 percent of similarly situated men say they do the most or share chores equally.
The Washington Post turned to the Bureau of Labor Statistics and the American Time Use Survey (ATUS) to settle the debate. They positioned the (ATUS) data as the truth.
However, that solution has a big problem: The American Time Use Survey (ATUS) also collects data through telephone interviews.
Telephone interviews are conducted by the U.S. Census Bureau interviewers. Respondents are asked to recall and detail their activities over a 24-hour period on the day before the interview, essentially keeping a time diary.
Just as we should never assign tasks and responsibilities based on gender, we shouldn’t use it as a criteria for who to believe or who not to believe because of differences in survey results. It’s counterproductive to building teams in relationships.
Breadwinning Pressures Might Be a Factor
It’s widely reported that men become anxious when women earn more than 40% of the household income. Still, that same research found that when one spouse earns most of the household income, that spouse experiences significant stress and anxiety, irrespective of gender.
I don’t want to create confusion. Breadwinners should never have more power in a relationship. I’m not suggesting such. I’ve seen a few articles like this one that contradict sound research (e.g., Olson and Rick) on how money is managed in happy marriages.
The Article Failed to Address Money Management
Despite money management being one of the most divisive and stressful marital tasks, the Washington Post did not include it in its report. Here is what was missed.
The American Economic Association shared research findings that found relative income is the strongest predictor of who handles these tasks, with the higher-earning partner more likely to assume responsibility for both types of financial management, regardless of gender.
The study looked into how married and cohabiting couples divide their financial responsibilities, focusing on everyday tasks like paying the bills and bigger ones like managing savings and investments. This division is more noticeable in households where people have lower financial knowledge or earn less money.
Surprisingly, traditional gender roles, like women earning more than men, don’t seem to impact how tasks are divided. Instead, it looks like the allocation of financial responsibilities mainly comes down to who has more bargaining power rather than sticking to old-fashioned roles.
Emotional Support Cannot Be Quantified
The most pernicious problem I see with domestic labor articles is they fail to mention emotional support.
A close friend and Modern Husbands Advisory Board member is married to an ER surgeon. Although they act as a team at home, he does more because of her high-pressure career. Yes, he’s a rock star in his career, but when she has a bad day at work, it’s because someone died on the operating table.
The bottom line is this: On average, what women want most in a relationship is emotional support, which is difficult to quantify and rarely mentioned as part of home management.
How to Use the Washington Post Article
I love data, but as you can see, data isn’t gospel. Data is undoubtedly more helpful than some stray anecdotal evidence and a resource for self reflection to understand the implicit biases that could be driving undesired behavior.
My wife and I love each other. We never argue about domestic labor and argue less frequently about money than most. I am confident in myself, and she is happy with our approach at home, so I can use data for self-reflection without getting defensive.
As for the data, I see it like a coach. It’s a fuzzy game film of two other teams. It does not reflect our home environment but informs me of potential problems.
Take, for instance, leisure time.
Assessing Leisure Time
Every couple has different challenges. I have work addiction issues. Work addiction is the compulsion or the uncontrollable need to work incessantly.
Sitting on the couch without my work laptop makes me anxious when my wife is doing a chore. I’m sensitive to her not having the downtime she deserves, and I strive for an equal amount of leisure time.
It is challenging to quantify reasonably the stress and time commitments to running the business of a home. Arguments can be made for male- or female-dominated tasks having varying degrees of accompanying stress levels, and getting bogged down in the details can be counterproductive for couples who want to uncover strategies to cooperate as a team.
Moreover, there is no such thing as 50/50. It’s not practical, and frankly, it can lead to scorekeeping.
What makes sense to me is to be laser-focused on a straightforward goal: striving for partners to have equal leisure time. I was surprised by the data I collected in this area.
I compiled the following illustrations using the 2014 and 2023 results from the America Time Use Survey conducted by the Bureau of Labor Statistics. I realize the data isn’t perfect, but I bet nothing is. Again, I use it as a fuzzy game film of other homes.
Couples Have Less Free Time
As you can see, couples have less leisure time across the board.
Daily Hour Leisure Gap Between Genders
Less leisure time does not tell the whole story. I dug a bit deeper into the data. Although men are doing more in the home, the leisure gap between partners has actually grown when children become a part of the household.
Equally important is spending quality time together. According to research, couples should aim to spend at least two hours once a week just the two of you. How you spend that time is important, so we share ideas for dates and activities for couples.
Wrapping it Up
In the end, the goal isn’t perfection or achieving a mythical 50/50 split—it’s about teamwork, mutual respect, and striving for balance.
Domestic labor and emotional support are intertwined, and fairness at home is not just about tasks but about creating a partnership that works for both individuals. The data and insights shared here are tools for reflection, not weapons to assign blame.
The key for couples is open communication, empathy, and a shared commitment to growing together. Let’s aim for equal leisure, shared burdens, and meaningful quality time, remembering that progress is better than perfection and every step forward strengthens the team.
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