What did your father-in-law ask you before the engagement, assuming you ran it by him first?
Chances are, it was something to the effect of, “Are you going to take care of my daughter financially?”
The pressures men face for being the breadwinner are all around us, and they put us in a box of expectations and pressures.
The conversations with some family and friends, the expectations many of us grew up to understand what it meant to be a man, it’s even prevalent in the shows and movies we watch.
Here’s just one example of the countless ways we hide our realities from expectations.
According to the Census Bureau, when wives earn more, their income reports are reduced by an average of 1.5 percentage points. In comparison, husbands' incomes are overstated by about 2.9 percentage points compared to actual administrative income records.
These findings underscore how societal norms can subtly but significantly influence us, even in contexts like income reporting.
This post aims to share the research behind the marriage of money and masculinity, its impact on some men, and suggestions for couples to move forward as a team.
The Origin of Some Mental Health Challenges
The convergence of gender norms of the past are converging with the workplace norms of today and the future, and men are suffering.
In a 2017 survey of income and marriage views, Pew found that American men tend to adhere to traditional gender views - particularly when it comes to women.
7 out of 10 men and women agreed that a good husband must be capable of providing financially for his family. However, only 1 in 4 men said it's important for women to be capable of supporting a family financially, and only 2 in 5 women see it the same way.
The world is getting harder for some men who judge their worth as fathers and husbands solely on their financial contributions to their families, particularly as women earn around the same, if not significantly more, in 45% of households.
Husband Guilt
It's commonly understood that women who are rock stars in their careers often suffer from "Mom Guilt." They aren't able to do everything their mothers did for them, and women unfairly feel guilty.
Research has found that men are most comfortable when they are contributing 60% of the household income. If they contribute less, they begin to experience anxiety, among other negative emotions.
Men’s feelings should never be ignored. My gender is hardly known for a desire to talk about our problems, which reminds me of these heartbreaking facts in the latest newsletter shared by Richard V. Reeves:
😢 The risk of suicide is 4x higher for boys and young men than for girls and women.
😢 Suicides have risen by 40% among younger men since 2010.
Spouses of husbands cannot just assume their husbands are okay.
Solutions for Husband Guilt
Men and women must redefine what a great husband and father or mother and wife look like. Providing comes in many forms beyond a paycheck: caregiving, domestic labor, and emotional support.
I am not currently the breadwinner in my marriage, which was not the case for much of it.
Have I ever experienced "Husband Guilt?" Modestly and briefly, but I'm blessed.
First, I've professionally accomplished goals that leave me satisfied with my career and empower me with confidence.
Second, when deciding to restructure our roles in the home, I turned to research and literature. The first book I read was Equal Partners, written by Dr. Kate Mangino. It was the most important marital book I've ever read.
Dr. Mangino was able to strip away the gender norms that often serve as barriers to personal and marital happiness and home efficiency. She's also a friend, and through continued conversations, I can continue to learn and grow.
Most importantly, my wife and I have never used money as a factor for influence or power in our marriage. Our structure of roles in our marriage to manage money and the home as a team is driven by practicality. We can only do this because I do not feel a sense of guilt for not being the breadwinner.
But I understand many other couples have not felt this way. For many understandable reasons, men still carry Husband Guilt for not being the breadwinner.
What can we do to change things? Just as I have asked my wife how I can support her career ambitions, she reinforces to me how important support beyond a paycheck is to her.
What helped me was how deliberate she was in telling me how I could support her in more ways than just a paycheck. Her positive reinforcement for our partnership at home puts wind in my sails.
Support
I have a wait list of folks interested in my support to help men and couples work through the practical issues in managing money and the home, including issues around husband guilt.
Add your name to the wait list below.
Click here to join my waitlist.
When Therapy Might Be Necessary
I reached out to Kate Mangino to ask - when is it time for couples to consider therapy?
“A few couples can find parity alone, but like everything in life, most people need a little help. This help can come in the form of a licensed marriage counselor. These people will focus on the past, and it will take a long time, but it will help the couple work through the underlying issues impacting their relationship and communication today. And for many couples, this is necessary."
“But that may be more than what you need. It could be that you need more specific work on the one issue of realigning gender norms - and in this case, the couple could seek the help of a couples coach. This is a shorter-term relationship that is action oriented, and although it takes norms and experiences into context, it is focused more on the future.”
For couples that believe that their challenges are rooted in past trauma, then a licensed therapist would be the better choice. Because in talking through gender norms and finding more balance in finances and household duties - you’ll also be able to work through some of those previous experiences that may be holding you back. Psychology Today is a great resource for finding someone in your area.
Another option for couples facing extreme challenges around relationship parity is Dr. Kate Mangino; let her know I sent you!
I particularly like Kate’s approach to working with couples - she is not anti-man; she won’t vilify the husband. She really wants to with both of you to figure out what norms are standing in the way, and she’ll help you re-write those norms so you can find more balance in your own marriage or relationship.
Follow Modern Husbands
Start, Strengthen, or Rebuild Your Marriage. Our Marriage Toolkit empowers couples with evidence based ideas from 40+ of the nation’s leading experts in managing money and the home as a team.
Winning ideas from experts to manage money and the home as a team. 2023 Plutus Award Finalist: Best Couples or Family Content.
🔔 Click here to listen and subscribe to the Modern Husbands Podcast on Apple.
🔔 Click here to listen and subscribe to the Modern Husbands Podcast on Spotify.
Winning ideas to manage money and the home as a team delivered to your inbox every two weeks. You'll even receive a few free gifts!