Table of Contents
Overview
Silent resentment. Unpredictable anger. Inexplicable irruptions.
Spouses who do not assume the mental load of managing their homes in their marriages describe these emotions as the origin of some of the spats with their spouses and do not understand where these feelings come from.
Dual-career couples and parents who manage the ceaseless tasks of family life can probably identify with this scenario.
Paige Connell is a working mom of 4, shedding light on the mental load of motherhood and marriage. Her message has resonated with countless women on social media.
Her message to modern husbands and fathers out there who do take pride in their teamwork in the home is powerful.
When husbands step up what they're really saying is,
"I see you, I value you, and I'm here with you. Let's be true partners in every aspect of our lives, creating a more supportive and loving home together."
Paige shared what it's likely like for men who have yet to embrace the marital happiness that accompanies teamwork in the home, and her view is spot on with what we see at Modern Husbands and what has been uncovered by research and surveys.
"When men don’t actively participate in the home, it can lead to feelings of resentment and imbalance. Sharing this responsibility is not just about lightening a burden; it's about recognizing and valuing the often unseen work that keeps our lives running smoothly. "
The Latest Harris Poll Results
The Harris Poll conducted a survey in May of 2024 of 2,005 parents of children under the age of 18. Skylight, who commissioned the survey, wrote a report of the survey findings, which sheds light on the substantial burden parents bear, equating the mental load to almost a full-time job.
Men have been getting beat up a bit on falling short of doing their fair share at home. Obviously, I have no intention of piling on. Modern Husbands take our responsibilities in an egalitarian relationship very seriously, and aspire for fairness. For example, the survey found that 76% of dads say they want to divide family planning equally.
For those who do not see marriage this way, I’m hopeful you will after reading about the seriousness of how an unfair division of the mental load is impacting your marriage.Here are some of the key data points drawn from the survey as it relates to the happiness of couples.
25% couples have sought out couples therapy due to the burden of family scheduling.
47% of couples say they’ve had less or worse sex because of the related stress to the mental load.
61% of parents say that the scheduling load has decreased their time with their partner.
The Skylight Mental Load Report
This post is the ultimate guide to understanding and managing the mental load and strategies to strengthen your marriage.
Mental Load Definition
The "mental load" refers to the cognitive and emotional burden of continuously organizing, planning, and managing the daily and long-term tasks required to run a household and care for a family.
The mental load is often invisible and goes unrecognized. Yet, it requires significant mental energy and can lead to stress and burnout, particularly if it's disproportionately carried by one person in a household.
Mental Load Examples
The mental load of managing a household involves a wide array of tasks that, while often invisible, are crucial to the smooth running of family life. To better understand this, I created an example list of fifty common mental load items of responsibilities, illustrating the diverse and continuous nature of the mental load. A complete list would be well into the hundreds.
Mental Load List
How to Explain the Mental Load to Your Husband
It’s been my experience that men desperately want to be great for their spouses. What often stands in the way is understanding the mental load accompanying the tasks needed for a home to run, which is why I wrote this extensive post.
For much of our marriage, I was the 60-80-hour-a-week breadwinner who did very little to manage the home. Early in our marriage, I probably would’ve rolled my eyes at a conversation about the mental load.
You just don’t know what you don’t know, and that’s not necessarily anyone’s fault.
Many men rightfully feel defensive when we hear we need to do more at home. Without modeling what that looks like in our childhoods or an evidence-based system such as Fair Play shared early in the relationship, most of us simply slip into doing certain tasks without understanding the invisible labor that goes with them.
You can’t just “explain” the mental load to someone who has never experienced it in the context of the home. The best strategy is for someone new to the concept to experience it firsthand; otherwise, you risk being dismissed.
I have written this post to help spouses work through that process with their spouses. I recommend taking baby steps to the systems approach, starting with a handful of tasks. I explain in detail in the “Fair Play: A Systematic Approach to Equitable Household Management” section of this post.
Mental Load Calculator
I hate to assign a dollar amount to a person's value. Doing so is a slippery slope into cattiness and disrespect. In the same breath, we need to respect that shouldering the mental load in a marriage has value.
Click here to use the Skylight Mental Load Calculator to estimate what financial value you're bringing into the marriage, managing the mental load using the prompts provided by the calculator.
Keep in mind that these prompts are not representative of an exhaustive list, but rather just scratching the surface.
Solutions to Sharing the Mental Load Equitably
What the Experts Have to Say: Tara Ryan
Tara Ryan, CPC, ELI-MP is a Fair Play Method Certified Facilitator and founder of INFINIDEI. Below are evidence based solutions to sharing the mental load equitably, according to Tara.
What often stands in the way of addressing the mental load in a marriage?
The term "mental load" did not gain mainstream attention until 2017. For many people, the concept of the mental load is still foreign. In my opinion, the lack of understanding our emotions and the language to express them is often what stands in the way of addressing the mental load in a marriage.
There's a quote I often find myself returning to by the philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstien,
"The limits of my language mean the limits of my world."
In my opinion, the lack of language to address the mental load and all of the emotions that go along with it has made it very challenging to understand. When we feel unable to put language to something our default is to feel hopeless, frustrated or even angry.
For many women, being able to articulate everything they carry mentally to their partner feels impossible. Not only do they feel like they need to find the language, but they also need to have the conversations when their emotions are not high, so as to not come off as "nagging, too emotional or crazy".
On top of that, they need to have the confidence and trust that their partner will choose to listen and understand what they are saying.
Harvard psychologist, Susan David says,
"Learning to label emotions with a more nuanced vocabulary can be absolutely transformative."
When we don't have the language or trust to express our emotions it's very difficult to communicate with others to get the love and support we need. This lack in communication and trust is what I find erodes marriages.
What is one simple and actionable step spouses can take toward a fair and equitable distribution of the mental load needed to manage a home in marriage?
Sit down with each other and get really clear on what you value and why.
In our family we used Brene Brown's list of values as a starting point. Your family values will help you determine what tasks need to be done in order to keep your household running in the way you want it to.
Be open and prepared to lean into curiosity over judgment. It's okay to value different things, with the understanding that you are going to work to see how your values may compliment each other or fit together.
From this place, you can have an open and honest discussion around what tasks are necessary when managing your home. It's then critical to discuss who owns which tasks, with the understanding that each task has a component of mental labor associated with it. Because your family considers the tasks valuable, they can't be ignored and they can't all fall on one person.
During this conversation you can determine if there are things you've been doing that no longer hold value. You can also have a discussion around outsourcing things if it feels impossible to distribute everything in a way that feels fair. Everyone's fair is going to feel different, that's up to YOUR family to define.
If you were to speak directly to someone who loves their spouse and wants to be a teammate but has a partner who can't articulate their frustrations around shouldering an unfair amount of the mental load, what would you say?
I'd say, "I hear you and this is a really hard situation to be in. Your feelings are valid and so are your partners. You don't have to figure this out alone. Articulating our emotions is really challenging and often requires the support of a trained therapist or coach. You are not alone in this, trust me. Leaning on someone to help you and your partner in this way is so brave and shows a really deep commitment to each other. If you both choose to work on communicating with and understanding each other, you have the opportunity to create a deeper connection and a more love filled relationship."
What the Experts Have to Say: Zach Watson
Zach Watson is a Certified Fair Play Facilitator who coaches directly from personal experience, implementing the principles and systems of the Fair Play Method and his experience as a public educator
Zach has well over one million followers on his various social media platforms. Listen to our Modern Husbands Podcast Episode, The Mental Load: How to Argue Less About Chores.
Coexist: A Technological Ally in Managing the Mental Load
In response to the overwhelming demand for better management tools, apps like Coexist are stepping up to offer practical solutions. Coexist is designed for busy families, providing a centralized platform for managing schedules, tasks, and communications.
Features such as shared task delegation and reminders help distribute the mental load more evenly among family members, ensuring that no one carries the burden.
For example, the Coexist app's intuitive interface allows for real-time updates and changes, ensuring everyone in the family stays informed. This can significantly reduce the anxiety and guilt parents often feel when managing their family's schedules, as noted in the Skylight report.
Click here to learn more about Coexist and receive a Modern Husbands discount.
Fair Play: A Systematic Approach to Equitable Household Management
Beyond technological solutions, the Fair Play System offers a structured method to manage household responsibilities fairly and effectively. Developed by organizational expert Eve Rodsky, Fair Play utilizes a card game metaphor to assign tasks based on time, energy, and necessity, ensuring a more balanced distribution of labor.
Implementing principles from Fair Play also leads to an acknowledgment of the effort each family member contributes to household management. By making the distribution of tasks visible and negotiable, Fair Play helps mitigate feelings of being taken for granted—a common sentiment expressed by 60% of parents in the Skylight report.
According to Frederick Van Riper, the owner of Seat at the Table,
"Fair Play is an invitation to a more fulfilling, connected, and enjoyable relationship by eliminating inefficiencies and optimizing collaboration, ensuring both partners are truly heard and valued."
The Steps of the Fair Play Method
1. Identify the Tasks
Start by identifying all the tasks that need to be done to run your household. This includes everything from grocery shopping and cooking to managing finances and taking care of children.
2. Categorize the Tasks
Group these tasks into categories such as "Meals," "Home Maintenance," "Kids," "Outings," etc. Rodsky’s system includes a comprehensive list of cards representing these tasks, known as the "Fair Play Deck."
3. Assign the Tasks
Discuss with your partner and assign each task to one person. The idea is that each person takes full responsibility for the task, from start to finish, ensuring it's completed efficiently and effectively.
4. Hold Regular Check-ins
Schedule regular meetings to discuss how the system is working, address any imbalances, and make adjustments as needed. This ensures ongoing communication and allows for flexibility as circumstances change.
Learn more: The Fair Play System - How it Works
Moving Forward
The mental load of parenting and relationships is an immense and often underappreciated burden that can strain relationships and personal well-being. However, with the aid of technology like Coexist and systems like Fair Play, families have robust tools at their disposal to manage this load more effectively.
Check out our toolkit, newsletter, and podcast to continue to move forward.
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